What does it mean to be in a healthy relationship with your money?
Over the years I have gotten more comfortable and have helped others to get more comfortable talking about really challenging experiences, taboo topics, and the things you’re afraid to say aloud. Despite that…I noticed that people were not talking to me about their money, even though money and our relationship to it is a universal experience. Once I noticed this and began to better understand the weight of financial worry, the constant negotiation of how to manage money, and how rarely we are taught to manage our money, it led me to training through the Financial Therapy Association. With this and other education, I have now been inviting these discussions into sessions with folks, asking clients to consider their origin stories with money, their thoughts and feelings about their relationship to money, their goals with their money, and creating plans to meet those goals.
As is typical with most things in life there is not just “one way” to go about this. My style as a therapist is to encourage people to learn about different ways of doing something and then use their own intuition to choose what makes most sense for them. Some align with what Tiffany Aliche says, and yet others do best with Tori Dunlap’s philosophy. Then there are folks that were first taught in the Ramsey ideology and want to stick with that. Even if I have a personal belief system that works for me I will support what works best for you as long as it is financially sound.
If you’re interested in “doing work” together to improve/tighten up your relationship with your money, head over to the “contact” page and set up a consultation!
I thought it would be a good time to compile resources that I often share with clients and to add more that I keep coming across. We are collectively feeling the stress and worries, but we can get through this together and perhaps even find opportunities from this challenge. To add to the list, feel free to email me at JenniferL.Lombardo@gmail.com or send info through the contact page. Stay healthy, calm, and informed!
Picture taken during a lovely solo trip to Japan in 2018.
One of the common stressors I encounter are related to social interactions; sometimes there is anxiety if there is too much and other times depression/anxiety if there is too little. With social distancing as a recent recommendation to prevent further spread of the Coronavirus, there are ways to maintain connections to our social supports (technology, using appropriate precautions when gathering, etc.), but I think this is also a great time to learn how to hang out with yourself. Once, I recommended to a client “just try sitting and…do nothing”. Following a look of disbelief and confusion, I explained more.
We have become accustomed to constantly being stimulated and entertained, so much so, that when we find ourselves without something to do, we become “bored” or anxious, or those unprocessed events/emotions may peek out to say “Hey, remember me?” This, then leads to a constant avoidance of just being still, so we revert to more distractions! How about learning to live with…just you. Wonderful, perfectly imperfect you. Rather than avoiding yourself, how about:
Just sitting: Being curious and mindful as you just sit. You can observe your thoughts and emotions, without judgment, just taking note of where your brain goes when not stimulated externally. Some are fearful to do this because of negative thoughts of self or others. Can you just allow those thoughts to come up and pass on through (like a cloud floating by)? Maybe write them down and then we can try to better understand them in session? My clients also like to smile (and eye-roll) at me when I repeatedly suggest meditation practices, but now is a GREAT time for this and you can check out the resources page for some helpful tools. As you just sit, you can allow yourself to: still have value without having to do something, relax, learn more about yourself, ponder dreams and your own curiosities, decrease your dependence on the need to be entertained/engaged at all times, and also allow your body and mind to take a break and rest.
Time for reflection: Now would be a cool time to develop a practice of gratitude. Or check in with yourself about your goals/objectives. Create a vision board. Re-commit and strategize for healthy habits. To take note of what is working well for you and give yourself some props! Social isolation may not be the best time to intentionally process traumatic experiences or difficult emotions on your own, but remember that I, and other therapists, are still available for online counseling and support. So, if you find that during reflection, you are having a strong reaction to something, you can appropriately set it aside or develop a visualized container to set the event/topic in. While reflection should allow for all emotions/experiences, be mindful to put more effort towards positive reflection as social isolation can sometimes lead our brains into funky, depressed places. By intentionally engaging in more positive reflective experiences, you can practice this very important habit (which then becomes a worldview) of seeing the good despite the challenges life throws our way. My clients know that I am happy to help point out the positive items if they are struggling to see it in themselves and their lives.
Enjoying non-screen activities: Yes, this is still Doing (and somewhat ironic coming from an online therapist), but can also allow space for thoughts to arise, talents to be developed and enjoyment of yourself or those you are with. You can engage in hobbies you enjoy, or try new ones. If you’re isolating with a friend/loved one, how about time for those re-connection activities, such as the Ungame Cards, or the couples Gottman App)? What about pulling out all those dusty craft supplies you’ve been collecting? That book you’ve been meaning to read? Since starting the traveling lifestyle, I’ve made sure to bring books, colored pencils, the Spotify music app, yoga mat, the mini Buddha Board with me wherever I go, so that I can have something to learn, means of expression, and a way to release energy in a positive/healthy way. Others are into knitting, painting, music, costume (cosplay) creation, home decoration, Zumba, origami. I promise that you are more interesting than anything I’ve ever seen on television, Facebook, or Instagram. Especially now, with so much media focus on various anxiety-provoking topics, it’s a great idea to do brief updates from reliable sources, but then take a break. Constant exposure can be debilitating.
After getting the opportunity to work with some social workers, fire fighters, teachers and other helpers in our community, I’ve found that I really enjoy supporting those that support others. I remember the secondary trauma I experienced myself as a younger social worker, the many times of burnout, and seeing those around me leave their professions due to the usually thankless, high-stress work environments.
If there is anything to be done to support you and keep you doing the important work you do, let’s make it easier for you to do this thing called “self-care”. Helpers tend to have interesting work hours; I offer flexibility during the day so that we can work around your schedule. And because it’s via video/online, you’re saved a commute to another office. All you need is an internet connection and device with video capabilities. Any questions? Feel free to call or message me at 407-437-5076. See you soon.
It’s magic y’all. Brain magic! Well…maybe it’s just neuroscience, but still…it can feel like magic when other therapies are not working for you.
EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (Francine Shapiro has noted that she would have shortened the name, but it kind of took off…and now it’s too late) is a therapeutic method aimed at desensitizing sensitive subjects and reprocessing events/memories. While it has been found to be effective for addressing traumatic events, it has also been found to work well with other troubles such as anxiety and phobias.
Ok, ok. So the mechanics of EMDR look a little different than your typical talk therapy. The old school, traditional method of EMDR involves me waving my arm in front of your eyes so that your eyes are going *right*left*right*left*right*. I can also use other “bi-lateral stimulation” devices such as “tappers” and/or a head set. Stay with me, I know it can sound odd and truthfully, it seemed odd to me too at first, but one reason I was trained in this method is because I was able to experience how well it worked myself! I also sought the training because it is evidence-based and worked well with so many.
So the idea behind EMDR is that it may replicate what is occurring during REM sleep. Have you ever seen someone sleeping and marveled (or freaked out) at the motions the eyes made? The idea is that your brain has a way of healing itself and wants to heal itself and this is occurring during sleep and also during EMDR sessions. I can tell you that there is absolutely a commonality in how people process during an EMDR session. I do not share these experiences before an EMDR session as I would not want to lead or influence someone’s process, but there are definitely themes I notice that indicate that something awesome is happening in your brain and body. In general, the goal is to reduce how distressing you find an event and to have a healthier way of thinking about the event and yourself in relation to that event. So while it may not be magic, it is absolutely amazing and I’m happy to answer any questions you may have about if it is right for you!
I absolutely love that I continue to be inspired in my career; there is a never-ending supply of information and learning to be the best therapist I can be…I only wish I could just download it all to my brain in one day!
Currently, I’m wrapping up with “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel A. van der Kolk. He discusses the impact of trauma and adverse childhood experiences and treatments that work well to help people heal. One of those, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a practice I am trained in and it was enjoyable to read the successes the author had with this treatment and others, including yoga and neurofeedback.
Some of these styles can be confusing…”sorry…you want me to watch you wave your hand in front of my eyes?”, so feel free to do your own research and ask your therapist more about it. As an EMDR practitioner, I want those I work with to be informed about how it works and what to expect, so if this is something you want to try-just ask me about it!
Next up on the reading list: Francine Shapiro’s “Getting Past Your Past”. Have you read it or have other recommendations?
It’s 2017! Time to change everything about yourself, right? Not quite…
As someone who gets incredibly excited about fresh starts, especially when a new year rolls around, it may be surprising to read that I don’t want you to “throw the baby out with the bathwater” (what terrible phrases we have in the English language). What I mean to encourage, is that you acknowledge the incredible amount of strengths and good that are already inside of you. Sure 2016 was pretty terrible for many people, but you did grow in some way.
Take some time to reflect on what you learned about yourself in the past year, especially the good bits. Write it down. Did you form new positive relationships? How about trying something new? Were you successful in any way? Did you have any days of inner calm and peace? What were you most proud of? How did you brighten someone’s day? You can likely find some positive qualities or achievements by taking time to remember and appreciate them. Notice how you feel when you think of these positives in you/in your life.
Now, knowing that 2016 wasn’t complete rubbish, how can you cultivate and strengthen those good qualities that are already inside of you? Did it feel good to think of that time when you made a friend or family member smile/laugh when they were having a bad day? How can you create more of that? Did you feel “on top of the world” after accomplishing that fitness goal? Make a detailed plan of how to get to that feeling again. Everything that you want to change is already within you. You and I are capable of tremendous things when we believe in ourselves. Let’s see what our inner superheroes can do, shall we?
So, Happy New Year and Cheers to the Same You, because you are beautiful and complete just as you are.
The holidays can be a time of stress for many, especially when it comes to money, family, and sugar cookies staying healthy.
Here are some ways I plan to enjoy this season. Maybe some of these will work for you, too.
Check out holiday lights. Sparkly things tend to make me happy.
Attend some (but not too many) of the events in the community. Have you seen Orlando Weekly’s Holiday Guide? It’s a good time to catch up with folks and spend time at your favorite places, but be careful of not over-booking.
Get gift giving done early so that it can be thoughtful. Honestly, nobody really needs that terrible, last-minute impulse buy. Maybe you agree with family and friends to not do gifts, and instead spend some fun time together. Whatever you decide, try to avoid the impulse to spend on everything (set a budget) and avoid situations that you know will cause you unneeded anxiety.
Check out your cheery-spirited friends and family! Look at them donating to good causes, volunteering their time, helping their neighbors. Look for the good in folks.
Resist the temptation to eat ALL.THE.FOOD. Yes, there is balance in life but mood, energy, health can suffer from getting too caught up in all the foodstuffs.
Of course, let’s all remember to use our coping skills…Breathing while stuck on I-4, Positive/Calm Thoughts while in that Wal-Mart line, Visualization of a happy place while your 3-year old loses it in the store, Grounding when our old friend anxiety starts to creep in.
Need more tips or help dealing with ye olde holiday triggers? Pop in for some counseling sessions! We counselors are everywhere, especially throughout Central Florida. I’d be happy to help you work through your stress, finding joy this season, and dealing with Aunt Franny’s fruitcake (eek!).
Jennifer Lombardo, LCSW 